A Letter: “My Responsibilities Are Getting In The Way Of My Dreams!” 08/03/2010
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Ask Brian, Career, Coaching, Lifecrafting, Personal Productivity.add a comment
Dear Brian,
I’ve been following your blog with interest and love its message. I have a full-time job but I love to dance, and I’d love to pursue my dream of teaching dance and maybe one day owning my own studio, but I’m a single parent with two young ones, and I find it so hard to find the time to do anything other than work and look after my children. I’m too tired in the evenings to even think of anything apart from making dinner and helping with my kids’ homework, and I don’t want to steal any time from them – they’re growing up so fast. My only real free time is when they’ve gone off to bed, and then I find myself making our packed lunches and then watching TV or surfing the net to unwind. I feel like I have to choose between being fulfilled (and selfish), or unfulfilled (but a good parent). So frustrated! Help!
Thanks
Julie
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Dear Julie
There are few people in this world as busy as single parents, so it’s not surprising that you’re struggling to find time to do anything other than that most important of jobs – and, of course, the other one that you get paid for!
There are broadly two approaches that can be taken to your problem (and you’ll probably want to take both of them). Firstly, we need to find ways to help you make better and more fulfilling use of the free time you do have; and secondly, we need to help you to manufacture some more free time (yes – it can be done).
Let’s take the first of those options. I’m dying to ask you a question: do you dance? I hear you say you love to dance, and that you’d love to own your own studio and teach dance to others. But I also hear you say you haven’t got time to do anything other than work and care for your kids, and that when you do have free time, you haven’t got much energy left to spend on it. So I’m wondering: when do you take the time to dance, just for dancing’s sake? If this is something that’s lacking, I’d recommend putting that right before you attempt to do anything else.
It’s important that you don’t sacrifice your talent at the altar of ambition, and it’s also important that you create an environment where your dreams can feel safe enough to come out of the shadows. If you’re not making time to do the thing you love to do in the first place, you’ll find it hard to conceive of how you can take things even further in that arena.
The good news is, you don’t have to make a single leap into dance-studio ownership – and in fact, you shouldn’t. You’d miss the fun of the journey that way! A first step should be to build dance into your daily life. It may be a better way to unwind than watching TV or surfing the net – so could you dance in the evenings, after the kids are asleep? And when you do surf the net, you could make it a virtual “field trip”, by finding out the options available for training to teach dance, and also how other people have done it. Routes into this field could be more varied than you thought, and in any event, you’ll be gathering useful data.
When you’ve carved out some more free time, you could explore the option of joining a local dance class (perhaps finding a child-minder for one evening a week to free up some time to do this, or maybe doing it at weekends?) A further step could be to find out if your dance class needs a volunteer teacher or teaching assistant. You’d be making time for something you love, and building valuable experience too – all for a pretty reasonable investment of time.
As for creating more free time, here are a variety of options to consider, and I invite you to suspend the voice in your head that says “I couldn’t do that because…” until you’ve really given each one of them a fair hearing:
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- If you currently do a weekly shop, could you have it delivered to your house instead? Yes, it costs a little more – but if the return on your investment is a couple of extra hours in the week, that could be very worthwhile, particularly if you use the time wisely in the pursuit of your dream;
- Are you getting enough help? The single parents I’ve worked with often feel that because they already have to shoulder a huge amount of responsibility, they may as well “do it all”. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to have some capacity left over, so they cease to even think to build it in to their workload, and this leaves them exhausted and frazzled. Maybe friends and relatives could help with at least some childcare responsibilities? No, you’re not being selfish in requesting this - they’d probably feel privileged to be asked, and anyway, why deprive them of the experience of helping someone who needs it? And if you’re worried about “stealing” time from your kids, ask yourself this: which would they prefer, a full-time Mum who’s often tired and low in energy, or a Mum they don’t see for an extra hour or two a week, but who’s much livelier and happier when they do see her? In terms of other help – could you pay someone to do the housework for you? If not every week, how about once a month? It could make your chores that much easier to manage in-between times.
- Can you take some shortcuts? Could you prepare everyone’s packed lunches at the same time as cooking the previous day’s dinner? Yes, you’ll have to be more focused in the kitchen, but it can be a great use of the time you’ll have to spend there anyway – and yesterday’s leftovers make a terrific packed lunch, in my experience! You might also like to consider designating one day “take-away day”. Treat yourself and the kids to one evening a week when food is delivered to you. Even with fast food, there are healthy options if you look around, so don’t let a prejudice against take-away food put you off (and anyway, you can eat extra healthily the rest of the time). By freeing one evening of preparation time and washing-up time, you could carve out a significant block of time for other important activities – and that could include a more leisurely meal with your children.
- Can you cut some responsibilities out of your life? Not those connected with your children, obviously – they’re clearly too important – but are you shouldering any other commitments you can let go of, at least until you’ve managed to build some more free time into your daily life? Who are you doing favours for? Who could manage just as well on their own? Could that friend you give a lift to the gym get there under her own steam (and save you some valuable time in the process?) Take some time to think seriously about this. Most of us spend a significant amount of time every week doing things that we don’t really have to do. Now is the time to put responsibility for yourself and your dreams first. It’s not as difficult as it sounds - the people who care about you will understand, especially if you tell them why you’re doing it.
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Finally – and most importantly – I’d love you to consider the part your children can play in helping you to realise your dreams. It’s entirely possible that you’ve fallen into the trap of just seeing yourself as being responsible for their welfare, and forgotten that they might feel very much the same way towards you. It’s not uncommon for the children of single parents to feel acutely protective towards the adult who’s looking after them.
You don’t say how old the children are, but I’m guessing school-age because of the packed lunches. Do they love to dance? Could you teach them as a practice for the days when you’ll be teaching others? Are they computer literate? Could you ask them to research dance teacher training options for you on the internet? And to what extent do they already help round the house? If they’re old enough to work in the kitchen unsupervised, could they sometimes help with making the evening meal and preparing the packed lunches (including yours)?
Don’t ever underestimate how important it is for children to feel like they’re making a contribution. I have extremely fond memories of helping my parents around the house as I was growing up. I helped with the housework in order to earn my pocket money, which meant that not only did I feel that that money was my own (hard-earned!) cash, but I also felt that I really was contributing to the smooth running and comfort of our home. That was a nice feeling – and I’m still a whizz at housekeeping!
I was never any good at DIY, but my Dad was, so I’d do what I could to help him – like painting a fence he’d built or mended (perhaps after I’d broken it!) It gave me time with him that I might not have had otherwise. I was even able to help my Mum in her job as a music teacher, by providing the voice-over for some music quiz tapes she made for her classes, and illustrating the covers of the workbooks she wrote to accompany them. It made me proud when she told me that her pupils were intrigued when they heard my squeaky little voice on the tapes and kept asking “who’s that??”. I felt almost famous.
Share your dreams with your kids, and you’ll be inviting them to share theirs with you. And most of all, get them involved in helping to make your dreams real, even in the smallest of ways. You’ll create quality time in all your lives, and you’ll find yourself moving forward even quicker than you thought possible.
The very best of luck, and stay in touch – I’d love to hear how you get on!
Brian
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© Brian Cormack Carr, 2010
Are You A Thwarted Genius? 19/02/2010
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Lifecrafting, Overcoming Resistance.add a comment
“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are”
– Joseph Campbell
When you hear the word genius, what – or whom – do you think of? Albert Einstein? Stephen Hawking? Marie Curie?
In today’s society, these names, and a few others, have become synonymous with the term. We accept it as a way of describing someone with exceptional talent or intelligence; an individual whose faculties reach far beyond the norm.
Would it surprise you then, to hear me tell you that you are a genius? Perhaps it would, but nevertheless: that’s what you are. We all are.
The Genius Inside You
The word genius comes from the Latin root gigno: to beget, to bring forth. Here’s how Webster’s dictionary defines “genius”:
2. The peculiar structure of mind with which each individual is endowed by nature; that disposition or aptitude of mind which is peculiar to each man, and which qualifies him for certain kinds of action or special success in any pursuit; special taste, inclination, or disposition; as, a genius for history, for poetry, or painting.
By that definition, you are – absolutely, categorically, you don’t stand a chance of convincing me otherwise – a genius. You are a person who looks at a thing and sees something entirely differently from everyone else in the world.
How do I know this? Take a look around – even though many people in the world look similar, no two people look exactly the same – even identical twins look different. So, if no two faces are alike, you can be sure that no two brains are alike, either. And certainly, no two people’s experiences of life are precisely the same. Even if you and your friends like the same things, you can guarantee that you like them for very individual reasons. If you say you like the same qualities in a thing (“I love apples, because they’re sweet and juicy and crunchy”; ”Oh, so do I!”) your experiences of the aspects that you love so much (“sweetness”, “juiciness” and “crunchiness”) are entirely unique to you. This has to be, because there’s no one else like you on the planet.
Your precise combination of vision, ability, experience and interest combine to create a personal expression that’s so individual, if you built a life around it, you’d find it impossible to do anything other than create a life that’s as unique and fresh and wonderful as you are.
I’m not just flattering you, because you’re not alone in that sense. In fact, every child ever born sees the world in a new way. Everyone is born a genius, because everyone has their own original vision.
Why Your Genius Went Missing
That’s fine in theory, of course, but there’s a problem: even if I’ve convinced you that you were born a genius, you’re probably thinking “I don’t feel like one now. What the hell happened?”
Don’t worry – you can’t lose your genius. However, you can lose the awareness of it – and most of us do, for a very simple reason: life happens. When the happy halcyon days of toddlerhood are over (toddlers are obviously geniuses - just notice the amazed look in their eyes as they gaze out at the world!) we head off to school to learn how to make our way, and that means learning to conform.
A main aim of the school system is to make us all very much the same – to knock us into the same shape. It has to be that way, because society requires it. Society has specific roles it needs filled, and anyway, there aren’t enough teachers to cope with a bunch of geniuses in a classroom with brains firing off in a million different directions all at once!
Some people are lucky, and they hit upon their own personal genius in the course of their schooldays (or even earlier). Maybe they discover that they have a great talent for maths, a gift for chemistry, or a love of French. But if you have a genius for something a bit less obvious – like making music out of found objects and junk, or studying the history of hallucinogenic plants, or breeding huskies – it may be a bit harder to locate. Yet find it you must, because you – like everyone – are designed to do something (maybe many things), and until you find that thing and do it, you’ll feel unsettled and as though something is missing from your life.
Finding Your Lost Genius
Luckily, nature has a marvellous and foolproof way of letting you know what it made you for: it makes you love the things it wants you to do. Nature wants you to eat, so you enjoy eating. It wants you to stay flexible, so you enjoy stretching your muscles. It wants you to procreate, so you enjoy…well, you get the picture.
Putting it another way: what you love is what you have a genius for. Your delights are like your own in-built set of instructions. They say: this way up.
Sadly, few of us spend our lives doing what we love. Why? There are many reasons, and they can be very powerful indeed: doubt; distractions; indecision; a lack of time, information, or support; other commitments; and most of all, fear. Actually, every obstacle you’ll ever face is based on fear, and the good news is that there are ways round each and every one of those obstacles, even those that seem insurmountable. More good news: you never need to positive-think yourself past the barriers in your way (unless that happens to work for you); you just have to be prepared to delve into them, look them straight in the eye, understand what they are telling you about yourself, and then use what you’ve learned to work round them, or to consider alternative ways of doing what you love.
All of that is entirely possible, and the rewards are tremendous. You have a thwarted genius to rescue! Ready to get started?
Take a look at:
*How to uncover your original vision: here, here and here;
*How to build support from the inside out;
*How to get going, even when you’re not 100% sure of where you’re headed;
*How to get past the roadblocks you’ll meet along the way: here, here, here and here.
“Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love - that is the soul of genius.”
– Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
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© Brian Cormack Carr, 2010
Getting Past Procrastination 26/01/2010
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Coaching, Overcoming Resistance, Personal Productivity.3 comments

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” – William James
Do you find yourself regularly putting off doing things, even the things you know you’d enjoy if you just got on and did them? If so, welcome to the human race. This strange phenomenon – of delaying important tasks or projects, stopping no sooner than you’ve started, or suddenly finding a hundred other things you could be doing instead – seems to be a universal one. We’ve all procrastinated at some point or another. Show me someone who says they haven’t, and I’ll show you a fluent liar.
It’s quite explicable in some cases – for example when we’re faced with doing something genuinely boring, painful, or hard – but not in others. Doesn’t it seem odd that we’d put off doing the very things that can bring us happiness, such as going after a cherished dream or long-held ambition? Yet we do, repeatedly.
Procrastination Doesn’t Come Alone
The negative effects of chronic procrastination are no small matter. There’s the growing sense of underachievement, of never really getting off the starting blocks of life. There’s the uneasy feeling of standing still – even falling behind – as life whizzes past ahead of us. Worst of all, there’s the gnawing torture of self-reproach as guilty feelings surface to tell us that, because we can’t seem to get our act together and do the things that others have no problem doing, we must be incompetent, stupid, or lazy.
But if procrastination is such a bad egg, why on earth do we do it?
What Procrastination Isn’t
Before we consider what procrastination is (and some strategies for dealing with it), let’s get something straight regarding what it isn’t : laziness.
I don’t believe in laziness. If you’re not doing something, it’s either because you don’t want to, or because you believe you can’t. Inherent laziness would result in an inability to make an effort under any circumstance – but just watch how fast you move when you’re heading towards something you really want, and which presents no real conflict for you. Consider if you’ve ever done any of the following: ventured out after a hard, tiring day at the office for the fun of joining your mates in the pub; spent hours packing and preparing and queuing in crowded airports for a long-awaited, much-anticipated holiday; braved the cold and wind and snow to get to the corner shop for a bar of chocolate in the middle of a freezing winter’s night. You have? Then read my lips: you’re not lazy.
What Procrastination Is
That’s what procrastination isn’t. So what is it? Put simply, it’s a particularly cunning form of inner resistance. Inner resistance always arises when our desire to act is overwhelmed by an equal or stronger desire to stay still. Its job is to protect us, and to keep us from blundering off into the dangerous unknown. We may not be consciously aware of this other, opposing desire, but the effect is always the same: immobility.
Why Procrastination Appears
Procrastination takes many forms, and appears for a variety of reasons. Here are just some of them:
~ You want something else more than the thing you’re procrastinating about. If you’re trying desperately to do something that you feel you “should”, but you just can’t get started, you may discover on closer inspection that you don’t really want it after all. You just want to want it. There’s a difference. You might fool your rational mind, but your primitive, instinctive, intuitive mind – the part of you that resistance comes from – can’t be fooled. Maybe you’re chasing after a goal that someone else has set for you and that simply doesn’t ring your bell. Or perhaps you’re tired, and just want (and need) to chill out and relax before you get on with chasing your dreams or doing your chores. If your body is shouting “Enough!”, and your primitive mind is listening, it’ll send procrastination out as the cavalry to rescue it from further discomfort and exhaustion. The problem is that this respite is only ever a temporary one, and in the long-term is even more tiring, because you’re left with the undone task still on your to-do list.
~ You have a distorted view of time. If you repeatedly tell yourself “I’ll do it tomorrow, it’ll be easier then”, you’ve fallen into the trap of believing that tomorrow ever comes. It doesn’t. Haven’t you noticed? By the time it arrives, it’s today, and you’re back to thinking “I’ll do it tomorrow”. It’s that vicious cycle that’s so difficult to break out of. Also, you may mistakenly be viewing tomorrow as a blank slate, full of promise, potential, and free time – but again, this is a misperception. When tomorrow becomes today, it will be as full of all of the same obligations and annoyances as any other day. That’s not to say that some days aren’t more available for doing certain tasks than others. But we’re not talking about the sensible scheduling of tasks here; we’re talking about your resistance tricking you into putting things off until another day, with the result that you just stay stuck. To quote an old Spanish proverb: “tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week”.
~ You’re working (or playing) without limits. In our society, we tend to think of limits as restrictions which curtail our freedom. Yet ascribing limits to your life and workload can be one of the most liberating things you’ll ever do. Defining limits for any task at hand can make it far less daunting, and therefore considerably more manageable. Artists and writers instinctively understand this, which is why some of our greatest works of literature appear in some clearly defined forms – consider plays, poems, and marble sculptures. Without limits (an example of a limit would be curtailing the number of hours you spend on a task), you’re left with endless choices and a diffuse focus. You don’t know where you’ll finish, so it’s hard to get started. With limits, you can exercise freedom within boundaries, and with the end in sight, you may feel far more inclined to get going in the first place.
~ You’re afraid. In my experience, both personally and in my work with clients, this is the single most common reason that procrastination occurs. You don’t have to be rigid with terror to become immobilised by procrastination. It can be far more subtle than that. Fear always has one of two roots – either you believe you won’t get something you want (the results you were aiming for; the joy you believed the activity would bring you; the praise and respect you craved), or that you’re going to lose something you already have (free time; recognition; your sense of potential; other options). Of course, this is the major reason procrastination appears when we’re trying to do something that means a lot to us. The danger level appears high, and because we have a lot to gain, we feel we have a lot to lose – so we stay put, rather than take the risk. This may not be consciously in our awareness until we look more closely at how we’re feeling.
So, what to do? Like all forms of inner resistance, the best approach to procrastination is to figure out what it’s telling you, and then work your way around it.
Tackling Procrastination
The solution to your procrastination will depend on the cause of it. However, each of the techniques that follow employs some combination of: dealing with fear; managing time; creating limits; and becoming aware of your feelings. These are the procrastination busters I’ve found to be most effective in my own life, and in my work with clients.
1. Don’t Go Cold Turkey
First of all, don’t ever fall into the trap of telling yourself you’ll never procrastinate again. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but: you will. This is because there is an “up” side to procrastination. It can carve out some much-needed down-time for you, especially when you haven’t done so for yourself. We all need down-time. That’s why making commitments like “I’ll never procrastinate again” won’t work, and are actually dangerous, because you’ll be left feeling terrible when procrastination reappears. In fact, you may find yourself procrastinating even more because you’ve just added additional pressure and very effectively awakened your resistance. You can minimise the likelihood of it appearing by scheduling your down-time, rather than letting it schedule you.
Which leads me on to:
2. Create A Goofing-Off Timetable
This one is all about planning your avoidance patterns into your daily life. The simplest way is to block out some relaxation time in your diary – a bit like “free periods” in school – and mark these out as being distinct from the times when you’re working on a specific personal or work-related project. Then make sure when the free periods come round, you actually do goof off and do the fun stuff that you love doing! That might not work, however, if you’re like me and don’t always obey your own scheduling dictates. In this case, you need to carefully consider your personal work/reward preferences. Do you like to work first, and then have fun? Or have fun first and then get down to work? (I’m using “work” here in the widest sense – not just your day job, but any activity which isn’t pure relaxation, including doing your chores and following your dreams).
Once you know what your preference is, go through your diary and block out some “you” time. That is, time that’s related to your own commitments as opposed to other people’s (your family, your employer etc). Once you’ve found these blocks of time, split them in two equally. Then you have a choice. If you like to play first, and can trust yourself to stop playing and start working when the time is up, you get to goof-off for the first half of the period – then it’s down to business. If you prefer to work first then play, it goes the other way round. It’s vital that you obey the equal split, at least at first. The time will come when you’ll find yourself wanting more of that precious time for working on your cherished projects, but until that time comes, be strict with yourself – don’t curtail your goofing-off time.
How does this work? Simply because structured down-time is far more energising than accidental down-time that comes laden with guilt and frustration (and that is how it comes in the package labelled “procrastination”). Think of how differently you feel after you’ve consciously decided to put your feet up and watch a great DVD, compared to how you feel after mindlessly slumping in front of the TV watching nothing in particular, and then discovering that several hours have passed. With this conscious approach, you’ll feel better and find that procrastination loosens its grip. More on the art of conscious action here.
3. Face Your Fears
As I have indicated above resistance always appears when the primitive part of your mind perceives a threat (whether or not that threat is true in reality). If you’re in the process of pursuing a dream, you’ll probably be navigating in uncharted territories – and therefore perceiving danger on some level. Maybe you’re afraid that you’ll fail, or that you’ll succeed and that what you’ll gain as a result won’t be quite what you were hoping for. Or your fears may be triggered by something far more mundane. You may, for example, feel that doing the task at hand is going to “steal” time from you; time that could be spent doing something more enjoyable. Fear can pop up for many reasons, and if it’s not dealt with, resistance – in this case procrastination – is the result.
You can face your fears in a variety of ways. If they are fears that you’re not consciously aware of, you may need to work round them surreptitiously. Here’s how. If you are aware of them, you may want to have a go at challenging these limiting beliefs. More on how to do that here and here.
4. The “First Action” Approach
One of the most galling things about procrastination is that we often find that the thing we were procrastinating about can be done very quickly and easily, once we get started. Yet as we have seen, getting started can be incredibly difficult. This technique allows you to fool the primitive part of your mind into thinking you aren’t actually going to do the task at all – just some tiny part of it – and so the resistance to the task gets “switched off”.
If you’re faced with writing an essay, for example, you might be daunted about the task of “writing an essay”. However, you might find the idea of “opening a Word document and typing the essay question and title” entirely achievable. So that’s what you do: you say to yourself “I’m not going to write the essay just now. I’m just going to open a Word document and type the essay question and title”. That’s it. You’ve taken the first action – and you might find that that first action is enough to propel you into further action. When I was at university, many an essay I was fretting about got written this way.
The technique can be applied to any task. Making a phone call you’ve been postponing could start with “looking up the number and writing it down on a piece of paper by the phone”. Decorating a wall could start with “opening the can of paint and dipping a brush into it”. Cleaning the inside of your car could start with “getting the vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard”. The important thing is to give yourself permission to stop after the first action. In fact, if it’s all you feel like doing, you must stop – remember, we’re trying to keep you feeling safe, so that your slumbering resistance doesn’t start waking up. Even if you don’t do any more of the task, you’ve made a start. Best of all, however, you may find that the next action after that (“writing an essay plan”; “dialling the number”; “dabbing paint on the wall”; “plugging the vacuum cleaner into the socket”) follows on quite naturally, and before you know it, you’re up and running and the task is nearly done.
This approach can be complemented with…
5. Work In Bursts (With A Cast-Iron Get-Out Clause)
With this technique, you limit yourself to timed bursts of activity. Instead of saying “I’m going to clean the entire inside of my car”, you commit to doing 5 minutes of the activity (or 10, or 15 – whatever works for you), with the option of stopping after any of the timed bursts. So, set a timer, do 5 minutes of cleaning, then decide if you want to do another 5, or would rather stop. Either choice is fine. The guarantee of being able to stop is what keeps you feeling safe, but you may find you want to do another 5 minutes. You may find that you’ll be able to do several bursts of 5, or 10, and 15 minutes, and then want to stop. You may find you get the whole thing done. Whatever happens, you’ll still have done more than you would have had you never started, and that fact alone can make getting the task finished that much easier in the long run.
6. Define Your Limits
As I mentioned above, defining boundaries actually generates, rather than depletes, your freedom. If you’re resisting doing something, it may be because on some level, you’re seeing the task at hand as having no end. If you’re able to set a specific cap on it (“today, I’ll just mow the front lawn, as opposed to the front, back, and side”) you’ll probably find it much easier to get started – particularly if you’re using techniques 4 and 5 as well. This applies to taking breaks, too. Not only are you much more efficient when you take proper, regular breaks, you’ll find that these breaks create ready-made limits and boundaries which enable you to “chunk” your tasks into manageable segments.
Which leads me finally to….
7. Leave Yourself Wanting More
Many people find it hard to pick a task up again after they’ve had a break from it. They’ve beaten procrastination and got started, only to find the beast comes back again as strong as ever the next time they try to pick up that same task. This is because we have a tendency to stop working at a natural breaking-off point (for example, we may stop painting and take a break after we’ve finished an entire wall, or we may take a break from essay-writing when we’ve finished a particular paragraph, or a page). Consequently, starting again feels like starting something “new”.
If you can break this sense of newness, you’ll find starting up again much easier. So, if you have a break when you’ve painted just half a wall, when you come back to it you won’t be starting out again on a fresh wall, you’ll be finishing off the old one. Since procrastination most often strikes when we’re about to start something, this is a cunning way of thwarting it. As human beings, we tend to gravitate towards a sense of completion, and will work for that from wherever we are. Breaking off mid-task (rather at a natural break point) creates a sense of incompletion which we’ll want to resolve.
You can apply this principle to lots of things: mowing the lawn (take a break after mowing half the lawn); reading a book (stop reading in the middle of a chapter); writing an essay (stop writing mid-sentence). Leave yourself wanting more – so that the sense of “completion” only really comes when you have completed the entire task. Some people may not like this approach because it delays the gratification of finishing discrete parts of the work. Remember, however, this is about outsmarting procrastination, and believe me – it works.
“Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow.” – Gerald Vaughan
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© Brian Cormack Carr, 2010
How Coaching Works 25/01/2010
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Coaching, Lifecrafting.add a comment
Coaching is an action-orientated, future-focused partnership between you, the client, and me, your coach. You will set the agenda as we work together to help you chart a course to a compelling future.
Here’s a short animation which illustrates how the coaching process works. Note that the client is the one who’s doing the work! The coach is there to help the client to clarify what to do, how to do it, and how to deal with any barriers to progress.
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In coaching, I will support and encourage you as you take steps to decide what you want to achieve in your career, relationships, health, finances – in fact, in any area of your life. We will work together to ensure you are able to take the necessary action to achieve what you want, working to overcome any obstacles which may arise on the way.
Are you ready to craft a life you love?
Find out more here.
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© Brian Cormack Carr, 2010
The Lifecrafting Manifesto 16/01/2010
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Coaching, Lifecrafting.2 comments
~ You are brand new, whatever age you are, and entirely unique. No-one else can do what you can do, exactly the way you do it.
~ Your definition of success is the only one that matters.
~ The things you love are the signs that show you what you were made for.
~ A fast-track to fulfillment is to find your gifts and use them.
~ Inside every dream, there’s a part you’ll find most precious, like a pearl inside an oyster. It’s the part you can always have.
~ Start moving forward – you’ll find a million signposts on the path ahead.
~ There is no magic motivation formula - it comes from the process of doing. Take the smallest step in the direction of your dreams, and watch your motivation grow.
~ Expect to meet your own resistance. This natural, primitive force is trying to keep you safe, and you can work with it and round it to get to where you want to go.
~ Help waits round every corner. Others will reach out when they discover a way they can help you. You can’t go it alone.
~ You can get what you want without sacrificing what you have.
~ It’s exciting to get it wrong. Mistakes show you the right way to go next time – so they’re never really mistakes.
~ Now is the only time that matters (in fact, it’s the only time there is). What you do in this moment creates your entire life.
~ You have something precious to offer the world that no one else can give, and that is yourself.
ARE YOU READY TO CRAFT A LIFE YOU LOVE?
© Brian Cormack Carr, 2010
Happy Hogmanay! 10 Ways To Make Your New Year’s Resolutions Work 31/12/2009
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Lifecrafting.add a comment
The bells are fast approaching – so what New Year’s resolutions have you made for yourself this time round? To give you the best chance of turning resolutions into reality, here are some simple tips:
1. Set Goals That Matter – to YOU
It doesn’t matter what you choose to do – as long as it’s important to you. Don’t lose weight for someone else – do it for you, or don’t do it. Don’t plan that round-the-world-cruise with your best friend, unless it’s what you really want to spend your time doing. And if setting up your own pig farm makes everyone else scratch their heads in puzzlement, but makes your heart burst into song every time you think of it – get to it! Always remember: no goal is too small, as long as it’s your goal.
2. Clear The Decks For Action
You don’t have to wait for spring to clear some space for your dreams. If you’re drowning in a sea of clutter, give yourself the gift of clearing away the debris of outdated obligations and abandoned projects. De-cluttering your home and your head is easy, but don’t go at it until you’ve fully understood your clutter first. There could be some buried treasures in there, and now’s the time to dig them out. Don’t expect the space to remain empty for long, however. Conquer your clutter then watch your empty spaces fill up with all the things that delight you!
3. Ditch Wishful Thinking
If affirming, chanting, cosmic ordering, and repeating manifestation mantras for hours on end is what turns you on – go for it, and have a great time. But know this: you can still realise your dreams even if you’re in a foul mood. Don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you, in the midst of a terrible economic climate, to “just do it and the money will arrive anyway!” It might, it might not, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is you living a life you love, and you can do that not by thinking positively, and not by thinking negatively, but by thinking any which way you like, and taking the practical steps necessary to move you forward. Speaking of which…
4. Be A Verb
Resolutions, by their nature, tend to be future-focused. They are, after all, about what you’re going to be doing in the year to come. To make them really effective, however, think of them as things you are “doing”, rather than things you’re “going to be”. Don’t say “I’m going to be a writer.” Get writing – now (yes, I mean this very minute). Don’t say “I’m going to get fit”. Get up and start walking/jogging/dancing/lifting weights – now. Don’t say “I’m going to join that singing group” – drop what you’re doing, and burst into song (everyone should be singing Auld Lang Syne tonight anyway, so you have the perfect excuse). Don’t think about being a noun next year. Take action right here, right now, and be a verb.
5. Stop Waiting For The Motivation
If you’re feeling unresolved to do anything, you may be talking yourself into believing it’s because you’re just not motivated enough. If only the motivation was there, you could do it, you say. Well – stop kidding yourself. Motivation isn’t out there somewhere, hovering just over the horizon, trying to decide whether to pay you a visit or not. It’s inside you, and always has been. You just have to wake it up, by starting to do what you love – however small – and then tuning in to why you love it so much. If you follow point number 4, above, you’ll soon see that I’m right. Don’t fall for the myth of motivation. Get moving!
6. Become Accountable
You don’t have to follow your dreams alone – and in fact, doing so is putting yourself at a great disadvantage. Gather together some people you trust, and ask for their support. Other people are a great source of ideas, encouragement, and – when it’s needed – a kick up the backside. By holding yourself accountable to others as well as yourself, you’ll find it much harder to shirk doing what you’ve committed to doing. Have you written your resolutions down? Good – give the list to a trusted friend, and ask them to be your 2010 Resolutions Buddy.
7. Support Yourself
As well as finding support from outside, you need to build up as much support as possible internally. The beginning of the year is a great time to take stock of all your strengths, and to reconnect with them. If you feel you’re lacking in any area, make a commitment to bolstering your abilities. Look to your heroes and idols for inspiration (if you see something in them you admire, you can be sure it’s because it’s something that already exists inside you in some way or another). And if you fancy doing some more in-depth inner work, ask for some help from the archetypes. What a trip!
8. Get Organised
If you’re following steps 1-7, you’re going to be realising your resolutions left, right and centre - and you’re going to be very busy indeed! You need to get yourself organised so that you can make the most of the opportunities that await. Being more productive is a matter of following just a few simple steps. Tip: learn to distinguish the important from the urgent – then act on it!
9. Don’t Give Up – Unless You Do
It’s almost fashionable to fail in achieving a New Year’s resolution. We make the commitment, hit a rocky patch, and pack it all in – until next year, that is. Opt out of this vicious circle by understanding that anything worth pursuing will bring up feelings of objection and resistance. It’s natural. Once you know that, you can look those barriers straight in the eye, and come to understand what they’re all about. If you realise that you’re on the wrong path (maybe you made that resolution for someone else rather than yourself) get off it, without apology. But if it is the right path for you, and you’re just scared, tired, or confused – then watch this. You might find that you can get past those obstacles more easily than you think, once you understand where they’re coming from.
10. Have Fun!
Most of all, remember to take time to relax and let your hair down. Trust me: I do this, and I haven’t got hair. Even when you’re pursuing your dreams, you need some time out to recharge your batteries. Whatever you’re doing this Hogmanay, have fun and be safe.
Wishing all my readers a happy, healthy and prosperous 2010! See you next year….
© Brian Cormack Carr, 2009
Are You Using Your Gifts? 28/12/2009
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Career, Coaching, Lifecrafting.1 comment so far
Are you putting your gifts to good use?
I don’t mean the presents you eagerly unwrapped on Christmas Day – although here’s hoping you got everything you asked for. I’m referring to the gifts that can’t be given or received, that are already naturally yours; those particular talents which stem from your individual inclinations and unique capacities.
It seems to me that to be truly satisfied, finding and using our gifts is one of life’s most vital, exciting and sometimes challenging tasks – an adventure in the truest sense of the word.
Don’t be put off by the notion that your gifts and talents have to be dramatic, outstanding, or exceptional. Those are descriptions which can only be measured by comparing yourself with others, which is rarely (if ever) a useful pursuit. Not everyone was born to be famous. That your gifts stand out to you – and are distinguishable from your everyday abilities (like breathing) – is all that really matters.
Also, beware. Gifts are not necessarily skills – not immediately, anyway. Skills (such as fast typing, tying your shoelaces, and calculating simultaneous equations) can be taught and learned, and whilst useful, don’t have to emanate from your own unique personality. However, with practice, gifts and talents can be turned into skills, and that is something you may well wish to do if you decide to parlay your talents into a vocation, as I’m sure any successful professional sportsperson would agree.
Despite the fact that gifts are innate – and we all have them – many of us struggle to believe that fact, or to conceive of how to find them. Thankfully, it’s quite simple. You just need to pay close attention to the things you love. The objects, pursuits, concepts, events, people, thoughts, and perceptual experiences which give you the most pleasure in life. This is very important, because the things we love are the signals as to where our greatest talents lie. Consider them the instruction manual of you.
“What you love is what you are gifted at, and there are no exceptions to that” – Barbara Sher
The above statement may be hard to believe, until you realise that even when we are pointed towards our gifts, the manner in which we use them doesn’t have to be the most obvious one. Consider this. If you love music, does it mean you have to be a musician? No. Someone with a deep passion for opera but with a voice like the smell of gas may not be able to become an opera singer, but perhaps they could be a music historian, or work in a music library or record shop, or design the cover of Cecilia Bartolli’s next CD, or become an agent for an up-and-coming opera singer – or even Placido Domingo. Of course, they may choose not to pursue their gift into a vocation at all, but to volunteer at the Royal Opera House instead, or turn others on to opera by writing an article about it for their local paper. Or they may just decide to amass a fantastic collection of operatic sheet music, solely for their own pleasure.
The point is, if you really love something, your passion and unique way of “seeing” that thing mean that you have something important to offer that no one else in the world has, or ever will have - not in precisely the same way. This is no small matter. The pursuit of your talents provides you with the opportunity to give something unique to the world, and most importantly, to increase your own happiness – what better gift could you give yourself, or the rest of us, than that?
Finding And Using Your Gifts:
To find your own unique talents, sit down in a quiet place with a pile of paper and a pen, and start writing furiously. You’re about to begin the process of mining the rich seams of potential which lie within you.
1. Go On A Treasure Hunt. Consider the following areas: fantasies and daydreams; your future plans (especially the less practical ones); your childhood. What are the things you love, or loved, or imagine loving, in each of these areas? Write them down, without censoring yourself. Remember, you’re just looking for what you love, so there is absolutely no need to be practical yet. There will be time enough for that later. Leave nothing out. Also consider the things that other people have complimented you on throughout your life. However, they must be things you’ve loved being complimented on! You’re not just looking for things you’re good at here – you’re looking for things that make your heart sing. If you don’t love it – leave it out.
2. Start Making a List… Compile a list comprising everything you find – all the things you discover you love. The same thing may appear in more than one area of your life, but don’t be tempted to combine too many things for the sake of saving space. Make sure you don’t leave anything out of your list, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Stamps, butterflies, dancing, comic books, yachts, fresh air, the novels of Mrs. Gaskell, building a dry stone dyke, the feel of hessian on your skin, listening to other people’s voices, the smell of struck matches, roller-skating, assembling electrical equipment, Coronation Street – capture them all. Nothing is irrelevant.
3. …And Checking It Twice. Look for themes in your list – what do you see appearing again and again and again? At this stage, you may find some striking patterns emerging. If you loved singing in front of your family as a child, and regularly imagine starring in a hit movie in your wildest fantasies, and are seriously thinking of standing for election to your local Council before you reach the age of 40 – you might consider that the themes of “performance” or “influencing/moving others” are prevalent in the things you love to do, or imagine doing. What themes stand out to you, and what is it you love most about these things? If there are too many to realistically explore, consider prioritising them. If you could only investigate one theme, what would it be? What would you explore after that? This can give you at least some indication of where to start.
4. Generate Ideas. Brainstorm for yourself all the different (and enjoyable) ways you could play these themes out in your life. In which jobs? In which hobbies? By reading which books? Travelling to which places? Collecting which items? Speaking to which people? Your job here is to fill as many pages as you can with your ideas of things you’d love to do in the areas you’ve identified. If you think of something that really appeals to you, but seems pretty impossible to do – write it down anyway.
5. Get Support. Ask others – people you trust, and people who are successful in the areas you’ve identified – for their ideas as to how you might be active in these areas, or how you might pursue the options you’ve already discovered for yourself. Be as open as you can be to new suggestions. It is likely that at this stage you’ll make the exciting discovery that there is a vast array of different things you could be doing in pursuit of your fondest dreams that you may never have conceived of on your own.
6. Have A Go! Now you’re ready to make some choices. You’ve examined what you love, and what these delights tell you about your particular way of seeing the world. You’ve begun to uncover your gifts, no matter how well wrapped up they’ve been – and you’ve come up with a list of different ways in which these gifts can be used. All that’s left to do now is to start using them! If you’re still feeling nervous about going after your biggest dream, don’t worry. You can practise with something a bit more manageable to start with. But whatever you decide, get started – there’s nothing like taking action to move you closer to a life you love.
Have fun.
© Brian Cormack Carr, 2009
Training: Achieving Your Highest Priorities 24/12/2009
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Personal Productivity, Training & Events.add a comment
Please see our Training page for regular updates.
FOCUS: Achieving Your Highest Priorities
(1 day productivity workshop)
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Do you work for a member, funder or partner organisation of BVSC?
- Are you tired and stressed?
- Do you have too much to do?
- Are you seeking a better work/life balance?
- Would you like more time to do the things that matter most?
Then this is the course for you…
This acclaimed one day course teaches cutting-edge productivity skills integrated with a powerful planning system and will help you clarify, focus on, and execute your highest priorities – personally and professionally. You will gain a clearly defined set of skills and several practical tools to support you in getting the right things done at the right time.
The course includes:
- A pre- and post-course evaluation which will enable you to see measurable productivity improvements;
- A goal-setting process which will enable you to plan your weeks and days around your core values, key priorities, and most important commitments;
- Guidance on using your existing planning and diary tools to maximum advantage;
- A set of high-quality training materials including a free FranklinCovey Planner;
- Effective strategies for tackling the stressful effects of procrastination, interruptions, and distractions;
- Follow-up support.
Trainer:
BRIAN CARR – CEO of BVSC, graduate of the Marks & Spencer plc Management Training Scheme and an accredited FranklinCovey Facilitator.
Comments from previous course participants:
- “Brilliant day! I enjoyed discovering why I’m feeling overloaded and that I can get back on top.”
- “Very engaging course, really informative, and the trainer was great – thank you.”
- “I’d definitely recommend this to others – the course materials are excellent.”
- “A great opportunity. Attending this was a good use of my time. I’m going to get my CEO to attend the next session!”·
- “I learned a lot that I can immediately apply to my work and home life.”
- “Left the course feeling really empowered to become more effective. Thank you!”
Next Course Dates:
13th Jan 2010 or 23rd March 2010 (9.15am – 4pm)
Course Fee:
SPECIAL OFFER: 45% off the standard advertised price!
£375 £220 per delegate including refreshments, lunch and all course materials.
To book:
Contact BVSC Training
Email: training@bvsc.org
Tel: 0121 6434343
How To Be A Quitter 05/12/2009
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Overcoming Resistance, Personal Productivity.4 comments
Have you ever heard the saying “winners never quit, and quitters never win”? It’s by Vince Lombardi, a famous and respected American football coach. He was the head coach of the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League from 1959-67, winning five league championships during his nine years at the head of the team.
Impressive stuff – but with all due respect to the memory of Mr. Lombardi, I think he was talking out of his trophy cabinet.
The truth is, winners do quit. In fact, they quit often, decisively, and with no trace of regret – but only for the right reasons: that is, when they realise that quitting will allow them to step onto a more fruitful path. Very often, it’s by quitting that they are then able to achieve the greatest successes of their lives.
What winners avoid is quitting just because the going gets a bit tough – and guess what? When you’re pursuing your dreams, the going will get tough, no matter how enthusiastic you are when you start out. After the initial flurry of excitement dies down – along with the energy that’s generated by any enjoyable new endeavour – it’s common to hit a slump, and to develop a profound case of the blahs.
Not only will your interest have diminished, but you may find that the feedback and encouragement you’ve been receiving from those around you has also gone quiet. That’s not because what you’re doing is any less worthwhile, but simply because it’s impossible to maintain that level of excitement on an ongoing basis, without burning out your adrenal glands – and you certainly wouldn’t want to do that.
So what do you do in order to turn quitting into a success strategy, rather than a cop-out? Simply put, you learn to quit the stuff that’s wrong for you, and to only ever stick with the stuff that’s right.
QUITTING: The principle of Positive Disengagement
If you’re starting out from Edinburgh with the intention of driving to Aberdeen, and all the road signs are telling you you’re heading towards London – wouldn’t you stop and head in a different direction? Of course you would. When you realise you’re on the wrong path, you get off it. What’s true for the road is just as true for life. Don’t quit when things get tough and you know the destination you’re heading towards is worthwhile. Do quit when things get tough, and you know the destination you’re heading for isn’t where you want to go.
Twice in my life, I’ve quit my job, without the guarantee of another job to go to. The first time was when I worked in retail, and was finding myself becoming more and more disenchanted with the restrictive and unfulfilling nature of the work, and becoming increasingly alarmed at the gloomy path my career seemed to be taking. One day, I literally couldn’t keep up the pretence any longer. I told my boss I wanted out, and then started looking for something else. I found another job to move to shortly after that, and so was able to move straight from one job to the other – but I’m convinced I’d have found it harder to find the new job had I not stated my intention of leaving first. The act of announcing my departure freed up the energy for me to find the right next step. The second time, I left the organisation I was managing when I realised I’d taken it as far as it could go, and found that it was no longer able to support my ideas. I outgrew it, and again set an end date which enabled me to focus on finding the right next step for me. I’m not advocating this approach – these were calculated risks, and they paid off – but I do advocate knowing when to disengage from a dead-end.
“Each of us has the right and the responsibility to assess the roads which lie ahead, and those over which we have travelled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the roads back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and, carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction. If the new choice is also unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that as well.”
– Maya Angelou
STICKING: The principle of Intelligent Determination
When you hit a slump in enthusiasm, yet you know deep down you’re on the right path – if only you could get yourself motivated – that is precisely not the time to quit. Not just because what you’re attempting is still worth the effort, but because it’s after exactly this type of slump that the greatest rewards await. Consider the process of studying for a tough qualification. The hardest part, often, is the set of hurdles at the end: the exams, the dissertations, the practical assessments. You can study and study and study, but you can only become a medical doctor once you’ve proven your expertise to the examiners. Yet most medical school drop-outs happen in the final year of study – just as exams are looming. Some may be due to people realising this life really isn’t for them – but I’m willing to bet that many occur not because people are scared of being a doctor, but because they’re scared of sitting an exam.
When I work out with weights, the part I hate the most is when I get to those last few repetitions just before the muscle becomes fatigued. Boy, are they uncomfortable. But I also know that those repetitions are the very ones that are encouraging my muscles to develop and strengthen. Without them – you could consider them the “slump”, because they are the least enjoyable of the routine – the entire procedure would lose its benefit, and would be a waste of energy. It’s only by being really clear about that that I’m able to keep going when my muscles are saying “stop!”. Here, sticking isn’t about preserving your pride or status as a “winner” – it’s about getting past that slump in order to reap the very real rewards beyond.
However, there may be times when you’re really struggling to keep going, even when you know you’re on the right path. If you find yourself in that position, you might need to take a break. If you need to take some time away from your grand schemes – take it. Give yourself permission to watch mindless flim-flam on the television, go out painting the town red and dancing your socks off, catch up with old friends – or even old flames. When you get back in the game, if you’re still struggling to get moving, you have a couple of options. Firstly, check that you really are on the right path. Do you need to apply the principle of positive disengagement after all? After some time out, you’ll probably find it easier to recognise that situation when it arises. Secondly, be prepared to deal with some inner resistance. You may genuinely want to move forward, but find it impossible because of some mysterious internal barrier. If you’re stuck, don’t worry – I’ve previously discussed ways round your resistance.
Applying the principles to your life
How will you know when to quit and when to stick? Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it isn’t – but it gets easier with practice. You may not get it right every time, and that’s okay. When you do – you’ll know it. When you don’t? You’ll know it! Pay attention, learn from your experiences, and move on. I started this post with a quote, so I’ll end with one which I think conveys exactly the kind of light-touch, light-hearted attitude I think might help you on your way:
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W.C. Fields
© Brian Cormack Carr, 2009
Training with Brian 09/11/2009
Posted by Brian Cormack Carr in Personal Productivity, Training & Events.add a comment
Please see our Training page for regular updates.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Managers
(2 day management development course)

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Do you work for a member, funder or partner organisation of BVSC?
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Are you a new manager eager to make progress?
- Are you an experienced manager keen to improve your skills?
- Would you like to develop habits that make you highly effective in the workplace?
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Do you want to lead your team to greatly improved results?
Then this is the course for you…
This acclaimed two-day programme is an intensive, application-oriented learning experience that focuses on the fundamentals of great leadership.
It’s a unique, new approach to management development that will help you move from getting good results to attaining great and enduring results.
You Will Learn How To:
1 – BE PROACTIVE: Use your resourcefulness and initiative to break the barriers to results;
2 – BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND: Use “outcome thinking” to help you make the great contribution you’re capable of making;
3 – PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST: Learn to focus on your most important priorities and track your progress;
4 – THINK WIN-WIN: Make win-win performance agreements to motivate superb performance;
5 – SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN BE UNDERSTOOD: Practise empathic listening and give honest, accurate feedback;
6 – SYNERGISE: Find truly creative solutions in every situation;
7 – SHARPEN THE SAW: Unleash your talents and those of your team by finding real opportunities for support and renewal.
Trainer:

BRIAN CARR – CEO of BVSC, graduate of the Marks & Spencer plc Management Training Scheme and accredited FranklinCovey Facilitator.
Course Features:
- A pre- and post-course assessment to measure management effectiveness;
- A rich, comprehensive participant guidebook which includes material from key management texts;
- An audio CD of Stephen Covey, the author of the multi-million bestselling book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” – explaining how to apply the 7 Habits Model in the workplace;
- Paper and electronic versions of the tools available.
Next Course Dates:
24th & 25th November 2009 or 9th & 10th Feb 2010
(9.15am – 4pm each day)
Course Fee for the entire 2 day course:
SPECIAL OFFER: 45% off the standard advertised price!
£940 £500 per delegate including refreshments, lunch and all course materials.
To book:
Contact BVSC Training
Email: training@bvsc.org
Tel: 0121 6434343






